last couple of years in a nut shell

I havent slept well for the past month. this is destressing. ive had insomnia before but it always ended after a week or 2 and most likely an awesome project was the result of it. Maybye thats it with all the work ive been up to i havent had time to collage, paint , draw, im gonna make pinata s for christmas maybye a nice star. I think ill make a donkey!! I love donkeys.

Christmas...this also anothwer distressing notion for the sagicapricorn. I cant stand the holidays. its so hard to shake the feeling of something is supposed to happen but nuthing ever does. the absence of the shristmas spirit. I can tell you exactly when i lost it too. i was 11. i ran out to the tree took one look at it and ran right back to my room. I cried myself back to sleep.
I dont think my brothers realize that thats why im in a bad mood. I just discovered my emotions last year. Before i was your typical repressed agressive late bloomer. The way i grew up i didnt feel it wise to show emotion. i was always trying to be one of the guys. So i had top suck it up no matter how much it hurt, no matter how i fely. I grew strong by becoming numb.

Junior year of highschool i had a nervous break down. I cried every day for 3 months, my hair fell out i lost weight. But i was still the happy go luckly kid everyone expected me to be.
Years passed i went to mexcico and i met a boy named peter. He changed my life. He and i must have been Brother and sister in another life cusz the connection was instant. I still talk to him whenever i can. After mexico i had no choice but to grow. My aunt helped me through shit and thus my emotions were born.

So for the past oh 6 or 7 months ive had emotions. sweet horrible lifewrenching emotions. But ive grown, and i handle situations better. Somehow i think the desicion to not beat the shit out of this person is keeping me awake at night. But im not angry. can you beleive that. im not. its almost like i wanna do it because thats the normal human reaction to that sort of situation. Have i grown that much ...or have i simply found another more intelligent way of supression.

I have trouble going to sleep at night .... your phone calls arent helping.