Lost steam

I have lost something secret blog. How sad is it then when even when you KNOW none is reading you, you edit yourself. I am at this point, I left a party and that last words that rung in my head where "you are not being fun"
I want people to read this and get politley quiet. Change there moods to some un spoken knowlegde and hekp me be okay.
I just realized this to be un realistic. How can I be so selfish as to assume they
would need to care. Or mind, Or WTF does it matter?
I have always needed needed. How do I stop, livingupto what is and should be. Stop wanting what families have.
Save me. I need you. Listen and care. Be there and worry. In return I will Love you and care for you. In return I will be okay and catch you, in return I will be do what you ask. but Only In Return. ... ...

Take a chance..

Dopplegangers

I always beleived that people were similar but never the same. Doppplegangers are just that. Today this very night i met JoEse's doppleganger. It was striking at first. As soon as I walked in the room I was like" WTF!! We must speak into the wee hours of the evening!" Yet I felt awkward.. how would you feel? As the night wore on, a whole hour or so. I decided it would be a horrible regret if I did not speak with him. Or paths had crossed before. We went to the same middle school we shared a friend. So I went for it.
He was really fucking cool. I opened up the convo with "hey you are my friends doppleganger" He took this info in stride and we talked at length. The world is vast and mysterious. One less regret amd many questions answered. The hardest thing is that I can never tell the real JoEse what his dopple was like. The universe did not want this. it was not meant to be.

The Holidays are here!!

Well everyone the holidays are just around the corner and I am trying my best to keep up. Already I have started quite a few projects and I have a few good ideas on other ones. Heck, I might even finish a pinata this year. Mostly I try to keep busy as this season will be harder than ever to deal with.

[deleted due to its extremely depressing content]

But hey what can you do. *shrugs*
Another whirlwind adventure and another year older. Its my Birthday!!

Well not today,right now, but the whole month of December ; )

Falling apart from the ground up

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS
FOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUS
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

Now that the word has lost all meaning I think I can relax.

Cold nights

I almost bought Wendy a giant Rice krispy treat. I stumbled upon this 8th wonder of the gas station convenient mart in my never ending quest for Hot chocolate.
Alan, in an odd turn of events, was the voice of reason. "We will probably have to help her eat it" *blink* *nod* *smile* "You're right" *sip*
Moving on.... The night started full of plans that I am sad to say I felt obligated to shape, shift, and attend. I am even sadder to report I also feel i alienated a friend in the process. I have been running on fumes for the past 2 weeks and I tend to mess up as a result. *pulls hair into pony tail*

Blast from the past!

Peaches emailed this to me. His sister found it in her email. It was an email to my friends in AZ from Massachusetts. Again do not judge me on the spelling and flow. I used to just write and never look back so as to capture my most random thoughts.
Here it is in it's entirety. It took all my will power not to spell / grammar check it: P

Saw this kid the other day riding a bike with no seat. I was alarmed. somewhere some kid is being beaten with a bycycle seat and its all this fat kids fault!! how lazy do you have to be to not put your bike seat back on, i tell ya if i ever fnd it ill beat him with it myself.

but thats just another day in the chute. full of cantankerous old woman who insist on ordering of the kids menu. its one thing to order off the kids menu, but dont give me the eye when i hand you crayons! i like crayons. nuthing wrong with it. i also enjoi watching the lumberjack olympics on espn. is that wrong? well if you watch like i do i suppose so, im secretly rooting that theyll slip and rack themselves on the log. or biff it real entertaining like. dont judge me! most of the nascar watchin hicks here are thinkin the same thing.

searching for schoalrships. ive decide to be an english major with a minor in foreign languages. but i shant learn anyuseful ones. anyone can learn french, italian, or german. i will learn swahili, pigeon, dutch and latin. you know pretty rare. alot of people speak french but swahili, there's a rariity. you dont see that everyday. so one day when they dont want to give me a job beacause im brown. (but they dont say that)so they say i cant have the job because i dont speak swahili, wont they be surprised when i in fact i do. thatll show em. french pff who needs it.

sigh at least my will to live has returned. here ive time to myself to read rite and rant. my 3ree rs.

ha is she joking?

Before you jump to conclusions about all the friends i have just remember they were born that way

The best laid plans...

Hear them humming....