SPOONS FOR PUDDING

Lost steam

2010-06-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

I have lost something secret blog. How sad is it then when even when you KNOW none is reading you, you edit yourself. I am at this point, I left a party and that last words that rung in my head where "you are not being fun"
I want people to read this and get politley quiet. Change there moods to some un spoken knowlegde and hekp me be okay.
I just realized this to be un realistic. How can I be so selfish as to assume they
would need to care. Or mind, Or WTF does it matter?
I have always needed needed. How do I stop, livingupto what is and should be. Stop wanting what families have.
Save me. I need you. Listen and care. Be there and worry. In return I will Love you and care for you. In return I will be okay and catch you, in return I will be do what you ask. but Only In Return. ... ...

Take a chance..

Dopplegangers

2010-05-16T03:20:00.000-07:00

I always beleived that people were similar but never the same. Doppplegangers are just that. Today this very night i met JoEse's doppleganger. It was striking at first. As soon as I walked in the room I was like" WTF!! We must speak into the wee hours of the evening!" Yet I felt awkward.. how would you feel? As the night wore on, a whole hour or so. I decided it would be a horrible regret if I did not speak with him. Or paths had crossed before. We went to the same middle school we shared a friend. So I went for it.
He was really fucking cool. I opened up the convo with "hey you are my friends doppleganger" He took this info in stride and we talked at length. The world is vast and mysterious. One less regret amd many questions answered. The hardest thing is that I can never tell the real JoEse what his dopple was like. The universe did not want this. it was not meant to be.

The Holidays are here!!

2009-11-15T21:41:00.000-08:00

Well everyone the holidays are just around the corner and I am trying my best to keep up. Already I have started quite a few projects and I have a few good ideas on other ones. Heck, I might even finish a pinata this year. Mostly I try to keep busy as this season will be harder than ever to deal with.

[deleted due to its extremely depressing content]

But hey what can you do. *shrugs*
Another whirlwind adventure and another year older. Its my Birthday!!

Well not today,right now, but the whole month of December ; )

Falling apart from the ground up

2009-11-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS
FOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUSFOCUS
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

Now that the word has lost all meaning I think I can relax.

Cold nights

2009-10-31T01:37:00.000-07:00

I almost bought Wendy a giant Rice krispy treat. I stumbled upon this 8th wonder of the gas station convenient mart in my never ending quest for Hot chocolate.
Alan, in an odd turn of events, was the voice of reason. "We will probably have to help her eat it" *blink* *nod* *smile* "You're right" *sip*
Moving on.... The night started full of plans that I am sad to say I felt obligated to shape, shift, and attend. I am even sadder to report I also feel i alienated a friend in the process. I have been running on fumes for the past 2 weeks and I tend to mess up as a result. *pulls hair into pony tail*

Blast from the past!

2009-10-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

Peaches emailed this to me. His sister found it in her email. It was an email to my friends in AZ from Massachusetts. Again do not judge me on the spelling and flow. I used to just write and never look back so as to capture my most random thoughts.
Here it is in it's entirety. It took all my will power not to spell / grammar check it: P

Saw this kid the other day riding a bike with no seat. I was alarmed. somewhere some kid is being beaten with a bycycle seat and its all this fat kids fault!! how lazy do you have to be to not put your bike seat back on, i tell ya if i ever fnd it ill beat him with it myself.

but thats just another day in the chute. full of cantankerous old woman who insist on ordering of the kids menu. its one thing to order off the kids menu, but dont give me the eye when i hand you crayons! i like crayons. nuthing wrong with it. i also enjoi watching the lumberjack olympics on espn. is that wrong? well if you watch like i do i suppose so, im secretly rooting that theyll slip and rack themselves on the log. or biff it real entertaining like. dont judge me! most of the nascar watchin hicks here are thinkin the same thing.

searching for schoalrships. ive decide to be an english major with a minor in foreign languages. but i shant learn anyuseful ones. anyone can learn french, italian, or german. i will learn swahili, pigeon, dutch and latin. you know pretty rare. alot of people speak french but swahili, there's a rariity. you dont see that everyday. so one day when they dont want to give me a job beacause im brown. (but they dont say that)so they say i cant have the job because i dont speak swahili, wont they be surprised when i in fact i do. thatll show em. french pff who needs it.

sigh at least my will to live has returned. here ive time to myself to read rite and rant. my 3ree rs.

ha is she joking?

Before you jump to conclusions about all the friends i have just remember they were born that way

The best laid plans...

2009-10-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hear them humming....

Really?! 10:30 huh.

2009-10-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

I sat down to write this is anger.
Then I forgot who i was angry at more.
Inevitably fatigue sent in.

I know I'm going to be half honest during a blog when I open another window of the internet and start shopping for smoking accessories. Which brings me to my first confession. I strongly dislike the sound of people eating peanut butter and jelly sammiches. However discreet said eater is there is something so unrefined about it. Perhaps the nostalgia of this childhood delicacy is so great we revert to old eating habits. Happily munching away. If you guessed that the PB&J represents my relationship with my father and that smoking accessories is just a euphemism than you would probably be me and I hate you. [insert smiley face]

I cried this weekend. Not my proudest moment but I think it was for the best.
Opening a third internet tab means I'm avoiding the subject.[scratches ear]
Wow its a doozy I was browsing for like 20 minutes. Here we go...

This weekend was full or hurt feelings and seeming over reactions. The truth is I do not like ultimatums. I cannot understand not investing yourself in your friends.
So like I said at the beginning I started this post in anger but a huge part of friendships is forgiving weekends like this. Tomorrow is Monday and I ask that you join in me in a mutual distaste for the day.

In today's news Esteban,the most interesting pug/chihuaha in the world, was adopted today. This ones for you. [smooch]

Lull

2009-10-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

A sense of boredom has begun to creep in.
The autumn weather causes such wander lust and I can't help but want to just wile away hours walking in a forest listening to its sounds. Walking like I did before i was aware of bears wolves and other such creatures that frequent such places.
Walking with nowhere to go.

Mucha pena pero poca verguenza.

2009-10-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

I forgot I had this blog, posted in June, forgot again and here we are.
Age aside my previous posts are rather addle brained and lets not even talk about the spelling.
So desperate was I to find an outlet for the crazy that I would just type and never edit for fear of censoring myself.
Don't shake your head JoEse, assuming I worked up the courage to give him and David my blog site, I can hear you now. All excuses and no results ; ) Don't judge me.
To regale you with past mischief would take all night. Lets start fresh but not forget that I'm crazy and you knew that when you met me.

When we last left our hero....

2009-06-14T23:43:00.000-07:00

I was bubbling girl of but 20 winters. Reading back I can't help but wonder where I went.

down in the chute

2005-07-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

my harley sits outside of my temporary residece,westfield massachusetts. what am i doing here. first months rent came up and im broke. before it didnt matter cusz all i had to do was wait for thursday to roll around and id be rollin in cash again. but so far i havent even come close to paying all my bills. sigh
this is what its like to be an adult? you can have it.

The whole time i was trying to write ow

2004-12-17T23:44:00.000-08:00

Im going to be 20 in but a few daysz my friends. i remeber that i do feel different on the exact time of my Birth. But... I no longer feel Christmas. I think maybye thats the down fall of being born the day before Christmas. When i was a child i felt Christmas so passionatly it was such an event!!! Like all things childish it came to an end one day abrupbtly. overwhelemd by information I felt my age. I feel it! Not so much that wow im old as much as Barabara you honestly dont plan to live past 40 so you better do something real quick. This is my mid life crisis freinds!!! Its time me to jump on my harley and ride off into the unknown!!

last couple of years in a nut shell

2004-12-11T03:15:00.000-08:00

I havent slept well for the past month. this is destressing. ive had insomnia before but it always ended after a week or 2 and most likely an awesome project was the result of it. Maybye thats it with all the work ive been up to i havent had time to collage, paint , draw, im gonna make pinata s for christmas maybye a nice star. I think ill make a donkey!! I love donkeys.

Christmas...this also anothwer distressing notion for the sagicapricorn. I cant stand the holidays. its so hard to shake the feeling of something is supposed to happen but nuthing ever does. the absence of the shristmas spirit. I can tell you exactly when i lost it too. i was 11. i ran out to the tree took one look at it and ran right back to my room. I cried myself back to sleep.
I dont think my brothers realize that thats why im in a bad mood. I just discovered my emotions last year. Before i was your typical repressed agressive late bloomer. The way i grew up i didnt feel it wise to show emotion. i was always trying to be one of the guys. So i had top suck it up no matter how much it hurt, no matter how i fely. I grew strong by becoming numb.

Junior year of highschool i had a nervous break down. I cried every day for 3 months, my hair fell out i lost weight. But i was still the happy go luckly kid everyone expected me to be.
Years passed i went to mexcico and i met a boy named peter. He changed my life. He and i must have been Brother and sister in another life cusz the connection was instant. I still talk to him whenever i can. After mexico i had no choice but to grow. My aunt helped me through shit and thus my emotions were born.

So for the past oh 6 or 7 months ive had emotions. sweet horrible lifewrenching emotions. But ive grown, and i handle situations better. Somehow i think the desicion to not beat the shit out of this person is keeping me awake at night. But im not angry. can you beleive that. im not. its almost like i wanna do it because thats the normal human reaction to that sort of situation. Have i grown that much ...or have i simply found another more intelligent way of supression.

I have trouble going to sleep at night .... your phone calls arent helping.

Fuckin Chuck Norris!!

2004-11-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

As much as i love the guys i hang out with they can be pretty ridiculous to say the least. Between the random nipple electrocution, sharpie wars, and midnight cigar walks i kinda see why i dont have a boyfriend.
I can see how some of them are a little put off at everytime thay call im hangin out with someother guy.

I had a "boy" "friend" a little while ago( two weeks prior to this entry), and yes he was different he actually treated ne like a chick and he didnt mind all my guy buds. He in fact got along with quite a few of them. So when he started being overly nice i knew something was definitly wrong. that having ended in a very decietful way i ve come to a decision. MOstly because of what time of year it is, evry year on my birthday i sit down with mysefl and change one thing about me. Or more like i improve one thing and discard others.

My decision is this. To be more straighfoward than ever to not let things go. Being the cool chick until now has won me much heartache and wasted my time. im done with the effort. sometimes times i wonder if you want them to treat them like shit. Im not going to be mean im going to be me, just a little more agumntative. hmm well here we go.

This room no longer brings me joy

2004-11-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

The freakin aah!!!!!!!! im so ahh!! i love him i did that little ugly blob of fun!!! but now i want blood!!! that freakin dog has chewed my shit for the last time!!! he ate a very expensive pair of wings that i now have to super glue back together. grr i threw hyim out in the cold but then felt bad after awhile and let him back in.... story of my life. someone does me wrong im mad for awhile and they make a cute face..blah blah blah blah!!!! but whatever i dont care im here to talk about first friday so many of the gang are goin its gonna be sweet!!!! halloweebn was a blast i hung out with bug rob and joe. i ended going to a hardcore punk concert with rob they ended up almost rioting because the headlining band was so drunk they stopped after 4 songs. robbie was pissed and dragged me out of the pit. you now hes probably the only guy that i hang out with that treats me like a girl. its kinda annoying cuz i know i can take care of myself but it is really sweet to have someone watcht out for you. all my boyfriends have always left me hangin and one even said why you wrestle beat him up yourself. god i hate ed that so long story shoet i cant win. but hes a sweet guy and i like hangin out with him so let the good times roll.

people let me tell you about my best friend

2004-10-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

well it goes like this my mother hates my best bud mika but like the bastard i can be i hang out anyway. maybye shes roght because when i go to the apt i do get in quite a bit of trouble, but on the bright side i make alot of good freinds and i get to hang out with the bug. but on a side note anthony is a douche and so i leave yopu to pionder this

covered in someone elses oatmeal

2004-10-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

ahh blog we meet again. on one of the few days that i am allowed sleep i chose meandering. just now i realized that something that was thought to have happened 3 days ago actually happened yesterday...(blink) (blink) ( twitch) its been an interesting couple of weeks, a relationship i thought would go somewhere didnt and another lost was rekindled.
but the most important of all discoveries is mafia based monopoly... yes my friends i am a hard core monopoly fiend. if i dont have to pay i wont, if i can get a cut or work an immunity i will. ive got you so deep in crazy discount jargen you wont notice that you just agreed to give me 25 % of you pass go money for 6 rounds.hahahahaah!! i got rules you aint never heard of.
another little random lopez fact we only have deep philisophical family conversations when we are eating/ drunk at parties... its the only way to get us to stand in one place long enough to throw a net over. Its strange how we avoid each other. more often than not i feel as if im the ra in this odd little frat house that allows children, and has a strange dog that you never see get fed but it doesnt die and seems to only get fatter. i see everyone who comes and goes. especially the ditzy girls who are lookin to snag one of my bros. Sometimes they anger me. most of them are cool but every now and then dony will bring home a girl that im not sure nows where she is at all times... i have a ball perhaps youd like to bounce it.
little do they know they are being watched and i will not hesitate to comment. im as protective of them as they are me . we are more tight nit than we seem. beware the sister, she sees more than you think.

fear of stalling

2004-09-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

so dan plays the drums susahnn can sing and i can learn to play the bass, plus eric hayes can be that random guy
who dances on stage. we dont want to be famous we just need something to do in our off time. hhahahah this shuld entertain us for a week or so and hey i get to learn a new instrument. hahahahahahahahahahahaha oh ya and i just bought a tv and a skirt 2 things i thought i would never buy in this lifetime (blink blink)

Random revelation: people say i shouldnt feel old but in this day in age im old enough to be someones mother gah!! if i ever got pregnant im frickin leaving the country!! hbcskbsdk;bdk;bne

Butt Cramps, KK and Teh White Stuph, and Glazed Nipples to taste.

2004-09-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm driving home covered in donut frosting. Ska Punk show blares cover songs as i go. Nothin beats drivin with the radio so loud you cant hear yourself sing. Oh look! A happy squirrel in the road! I speed up to avoid it, and he happily sampers away. Earlier tonight, I picked up Ewan, Shannon and The Kpt. After driving to numerous pointless locations, including the Guadalupe Mall (Kpt. Quote) aka The Wall Mart, we finally decided on Krispy Kreme. As we pull up to the drive thru, i was struck with a horrible butt cramp, and had to stop the car while flailing wildly and screaming, "Oh my butt!!! Sweet jesus!!! Oh god why!!! Luckily, the drive thru guy heard my cries and offered his ASSistance.................."Welcome to Krispy Kreme, how may i take your order?" Well, almost so as is the custom of my friends while ordering, they changed their minds all the time and talked all at once until i finally ordered what i think they said. Half glazed, half Chocolate, says I. I literally roll up to the order window since the Kpt., smart bastard that he is, has discovered the radio and is now blasting Ludacris' Pussy Pop. Beet red, I hand el pirata david's bank card. I call him el pirata out of affection becase he was indeed a stone-faced mexican with an eye patch. We drive back to the tuke where Ewan discovers that... Oh nos!! Teh niggras have switched my donuts!! In a fit of bipolar rage, the hoinkie tosses his napkins at my head and stomps off into the darkness... i.e. his fancy cheezin honky house. the kpt turns wisedley to woman and says fuck him free donuts. so we drive to the roland house. outside we sit with the smallest roland and talk of things. the kpt takes of the offending donut and decides it would tatse better on my pants. so i respond generosity by stuffing a donut up his shirt for i thought his nipples looked better glazed. Needless to say, half a box of donuts now has to be removed from my pant legs. so i drive the fucker home. i get home, lie face down on my bed, and right before my insomnia can kick me back awake, i am stricken with yet another horrible butt cramp. Life's a bitch and im covered in donuts.

waitin fo drizzle

2004-09-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

ahhh shitty shitty work!! ive lost the will to launder!! luckily my freind david is being interviewed on friday and hes pretty much in since they just fired the only straight guy who used to work there. so enter your token straight guy!!

itll keep me entertained anyway since todays antics were amusing for about 20 minutes. imagine me in a laundry basket, a busers tub on my head tied on with a robe sash singing row row row your boat while pushing my self around with a swifer. (bliink) (bliink)

gaaahh!! james had his day off so i couldnt even sing lyricly explicit rap songs on my lunch hour... sigh.... i think ill have something peirced tommorow

swimming with kaptain krisyphillis

2004-08-31T23:17:00.000-07:00

kpt. krisyphillis and i went for a swim today. the kpt is actually a high school; friend and one of my best guy buds. anyway we went swimming today and the subject of our futures came to light." so should we start lookin for apartments?" he said, (float) "dunno" i stalled..... "kinda thinkin about maybe considering the army" says I, "hmm" he counters....... "k" he concedes, " ill miss ya though."(splash)" ill miss you too" i gush.

"crazy bitch" he says while slapping me in the face with a swim noodle. i proceed to choke him half to death with the offending orange fun noodle while he vainly attempts to tickle me. This is the kpt and I in a nutshell although the scene changes from time to time. But youd be suprised at how many shopping malls and convience stores sell fun noodles. hehehe he never sees it coming!

But off to bed i go. something im not exactly looking foward to. Im more anxious to start this collage project ive had under my hat for the past few weeks but sadly a mexican without rubber cement is nuthing at all, and pay day isnt until friday!!! Oh my left ovary for some rubber cement!!! hmm i wonder what ovaries go for these days......? oh yeah the sleep thing gah! i hope to dream of something completely unmurderous, but with my luck itll probably want to cuddle.

do they ever check?

2004-08-30T02:43:00.000-07:00

graphic novels have left me sleepless and terror stricken with flash of emotia dreams and horrid images of hand tearin bunnies. i have extremly emotional flashes when i dream. at first sleep the emtions hit me and i shake more of a nocturnal twitch bordering kinda convulsive. i awake trembling and have breif reccollection of the various flashes. asleep once again, images, weird fucked up images that try to reinact the emotion ive remembered but fails to. so get a fucked up confused dream. like the bunnies

im on the floor lying on my side and there is a bunny to my left, completly white and un menacing. my hands are torn to shreds i know it was the bunny. people nearby ( i do not recognize them) are arguing they turn to me and he says hey get up why are you on the floor.i stretch a bloody hand foward, i cant make a noise or a facial expression o r the bunny will attack. so i show him my hand and he gets upset and says whats that! what are you doin !help us decide. i flinch when he yells at me and the bunny attacks, i feel without the pain that rabbit peel my skin back off my hand. and i feel the terror. so i sheild myself. he stops and i tery to gain the peoples attention again. so slowly while staring at the rabbit i outstretch my hand towards the people, we stare the emotions run rampid a mix of terror confusion and something else like desparation. but with both hands outstretched i shake them and the rabbit attacks again this time totally un provoke. i flinch and awake freezing cold and sore all over.

this is only one of the messed up dreams i care to remember. this only happens when i start drawing. but i dont beleive it marks me as an artist it might just be repression . tonight was suahnns 21st birthday. a time of story telling. i usually tell them about my dreams it makes them feel normal and less fucked up. good old barbara she out weirds us all. hahhahahaha.......... it wasnt supposed to funny

the blank branch on the tree

2004-08-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

hello..... and welcome to my new blog. I am the female Lopez and undoubtedley The mild sauce on the big burrito that is my family. Well at least to those of you who are familiar with the barroom antics of my elders. for those of my friends who are reading this, quiet, if they find out the truth I wont be allowed to leave the house!

This is just a start so ill leave you to ponder this as i stumble through the streets and find something to write about.